Sept 22nd, 2013
The importance of tears.
I don’t know whats with me but my body is telling me something is up. Tears keep pooling in my eyes and I burst in the most delicate situations. Life has never felt like this before and I can’t place the feeling. I’m not angry, not sad, and not always happy as I once was. My emotions change with the rising sun and it seems by morning I am thrilled to embrace this amazing planet and then my day can get clouded over and then by evening all I can do is follow the sun to sleep and I become the moon, a completely different person. Its as if I have no control over my own being anymore and I am constantly wondering what I feel… if I am feeling anything at all. I feel empty a lot of the time a perpetual feeling of ‘Blah’ but there is no reason for it.
I just returned from “The Trip of a Lifetime” and should be thrilled to have been there but instead I feel little excitement about it and as if I was just going through the steps. I’m starting to get my health back on track yet I am competing with images of other people daily and nothing I do seems to be good enough. And I am final embarking down the path to a proper education yet I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed I question if I can handle it all. The balancing act I once so amazingly preformed is crumbling and I can’t restack the pieces.
Its as if nothing ever mattered and if it did I don’t know why. I feel insignificant in this world or that I am not matching the expectations I once held myself at and met on a regular basis. I’m not sure if change is the answer or if life is giving me new challenges to overcome but this state of numbness that periodically comes over me most go.
Maybe its all just a ramble and I really have no idea what I am talking about and I am just not in the same place in life that I was 8 months ago when I left for Asia. Maybe Asia changed me and I need to do more and BE more to feel fulfilled. The tasks I want to complete in life are huge and I am feeling no closer to achieving them, however I know I will feel this insignificance until I do.
Save the forests. I will start with The Great Bear Rainforest,
Save the children of this world from illness. First I must get 3 degrees and move on.
Educate my brothers and sisters on this planet of sharing, loving and embracing life. I will need to start my dream business and farm first.
Laying my goals out helps and directs me back on my path, yet the path is long and dreary, I hope like hell it isn’t lonely, and more than ever I am craving success and fulfillment. Its as if I am longing for a place in my life I have not made it to yet and I’m scared because I haven’t made it there yet. As if my tears are trying to pull me into the future yet that is an impossible feat. The tears come and go but my priorities stay the same, I can’t decide if I am a crazy person or if I am crazy about my passions in life. Overall I think I am a happy person and I AM loving the steps I am taking right now but I get clouded and I can’t shake these funks. Either way I need to recognize the here and now more often and try to love this moment vs. mourning over those moments I have not yet met. How can I possible be having this miniscule thought when there is chaos in the world surrounding us, I am spoiled and need to adjust my attitude. How I will do it?
…. I’ll keep you posted…
Dec 2nd, 2012
The Power of Vulnerability.
10 months ago I was forced to be vulnerable. 10 months ago I thought my vulnerability made me look weak and that it was a horrible place to be in. 10 months ago I felt empty. I learned this power when I was placed into the most vulnerable time of my life. The negative connotations I sided with this word had me believing that I was heading down a dark spiraling staircase that was going to end with me being alone, weak, and undesirable to any connections. Little did I know that this moment to be “weak,” this moment to be “undesirable” was really just a moment of openness and of clarity.
To be vulnerable meant to be unguarded and unprotected, which is exactly what I was. I was stripped of my protection and I didn’t care in the slightest to fix it. It was almost as if I was choosing to run down the dark stair case versus trying to crawl back up. As I was running down there were arms grabbing at me the whole way and I couldn’t figure out why. These people wouldn’t like me? The image I was trying to portray was gone, the good little hippy girl was gone and I had given up on her. Why would I be desired by anyone else if that isn’t who I was anymore? As I said I had been stripped from my protection. The girl I was supposed to be was gone.
I fought for a about a month to have my past back but when I learned it wasn’t coming back this way I decided to let it go. To be vulnerable, or “weak and broken.” I didn’t know how open I was truly being. Being this open allowed me to make connections with people that were deep and more meaning full than I thought I could have. Connection is why we are here on this earth. It was everyone strives for. I thought I had had connections prior to this time in my life but it wasn’t until I was “broken” and vulnerable that I realised what true connection was.
This state of weakness was actually starting me make me stronger. I learned that people could really love me and not the image I was trying to pull off, not the hippy little good girl. Realizing the strength I was gaining did not come easy. I tried being 8 million different people because I didn’t think anyone would be satisfied with just me. I tried working 60 hours a week to distract myself and be the hard working girl, I tried the most fit girl (still on the kick a bit but it really is a part of me). But what I found was that the person that made the best connections was me. Whatever label that is. I am creative and positive; I love the fall and the smell of gardens. The moon enchants me and I blush at the drop of a hat. The night I learned vulnerability will stick in my mind forever. I was out with friends and then went home to bed. I was talking to a new friend that I had made and all night he was trying to get me to hang out with him and I continued to make up excuses not to go, “It’s too late” when really it was “I’m way to shy, and have nowhere to hide.” In the end I gave in and at 2:30am I got picked up, we went to a little hidden away pond near our university. The night was silent and calm, ducks splashed around feeling discomfort from our presence. I remember feeling myself tell more and more, I remember how comfortable I felt and how I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I didn’t have to think about protecting myself, and it made things simpler. He told me stories of his past, told me about his family, what his dad said about me, the conversation never seemed to stop. By 5 in the morning we finally drove home.
That night I realized that in order to look into someones life they must also be able to look into mine. I learned that to be cared for meant that I needed to feel that I deserved to be cared for. I needed to know that I could accept it.
So what’s at the basis of all human interaction? Its connection with others and at the beginning of the connection we create is vulnerability within ourselves. The openness that allows us to be willing to say I love you first, to say I’m not ready to have you out of my life please don’t leave, this say what makes me truly happy to all the corners in my soul. I learned that that in order to truly connect and feel that power I must completely unravel myself. I must put myself under a microscope like a worm in science class. I must be seen.
Since then I have had gains in all my relationships, more than anything I know who I am truly connected to, who is worth fighting for and who is worth letting go? I know now that as soon as I feel I am hiding that I must leave that person and stay true to myself. This blog post has been all about my experience and transformations but I think “the power of vulnerability” is something that we all at one point need to feel. It’s something we can all work on and it’s something that can make us all grow. Please watch the video that inspired my new way of thinking and please be open with those you love. Learn connection.
Nov 20th, 2012
My 1am daydreams
Why is it that when we wake up in the morning we start our days without even thinking? We go through the movements of our routines and our only concerns are completing our day, what comes next, how are we getting there and when is lunch? Do our minds literally spin all day but we are never calm enough to acknowledge our thoughts? Are they really always there? How is it that my longing to speak with a certain person right now is so large yet I didn’t anticipate the longing all day. How is it that I need quiet cuddles right now but didn’t realise it earlier. Was I distracted by everyones loud commands being tossed through my mind, did they steal my free time to think? Its not until the most quiet hours when I am alone when I finally settle down that I can actually stop to think. We think about our lives, how to improve or to remain the same, is life fair or is it utterly unfair, we think about HIM, our complications and maybe even our simplicities. Maybe we just dream. But why do dreams only come at night? Why is it that we go all day living these thoughts but we don’t even take the time to think about them? Why are our happiest moments in our dreams at night?
Nov 18th, 2012
Left in my ask…
“Why do we hold on to things. Why is hope more powerful than anything people can comprehend. The hope you have one more moment of long eye contact where the eyes speak more than words could ever. The hope of making someone smile from ear to ear one more time. The hope of feeling lifted just from the scent of the other person. Yet hope is so powerful you would rather argue with that person than not to talk at all because that hope drives that longing for connection. When does hope fall apart.”
We hold onto things because at one point those things were building block to who we were and added to who we are. They are the creators, the engineers, the thinkers, the inspiration. Hope is powerful because it gets a hold of our deepest desires and won’t realise the thought until it is attained, we may become fragile and see that our deepest desires are beyond our reach but the hope will not go away, it will just be driven into the shady depths of our minds and will be a stepping stone or a bridge to the next turning point in our lives. Hope adds value even when it is breaking us down, it builds our character. It is like buried treasure to a pirate, you may never find it but its marked in your mind and you will never stop striving for it. Hope comes from moments that are dear to our hearts; a feeling once felt, a glance that lasted a few seconds longer, a sensation that tingled from finger tips to toes, a smile as wide as the equator, laughter that became the soundtrack to your Saturday night. These moments that are like scars that we like to show off, never wanting to forget and always wanting to tell the tale. To know that the moment that filled you with joy could be there again is what keeps us dreaming. We will always fight for those moments, putting ourselves in compromised places just to remain hopeful. We hope because we loved. We hope because we were calm. We hope because we were at peace.
So when does the hope fall apart?
Nov 10, 2012
Someone dear to me left this thought in my ask.
What does it take to be the reason, why do people strive to be ‘the reason’ yet are so scared to take responsibility of being someones focal point. Why does it feel so heavy having peoples expectations on you, having their dreams, hopes, love on your shoulders but at the same time feel so damn divine, so rewarding. The responsibility of being the reason is the only thing people want, strive for, if you are not the reason for decisions, the reason for leaps of faith then whats the point? Why the fear.
The fear comes from our hearts, we know what it feels like to be let down. Some of us get let down day after day from the ones who ‘love us’ and “the fear” comes from knowing the pain or the unhappiness that stems from not having your highest expectations met. We fear failing to meet others expectations , yet knowing you have been let in and can hold someones hopes, dreams, and love in your hands is incredible, something that can’t be explained, therefore we strive for it. Its fragile and only those who are capable of understanding the darkest corners of a persons soul and will be faithful enough stay around and grasp onto those dreams is allowed to see them. You know when you meet someone that you can let it, you instantly can feel their warmth spill over your body and all you want to do is stay up until 4 in the morning and try to understand them, you know you have this person in your life when impossible to say goodbye, and even though you tell yourself that you don’t need them there, its impossible to accept they won’t be. It takes all of 10 seconds to know what they mean to you and 10 years to accept they are no longer around for you. Its similar to falling in love in that sense. We share love with the person, we give ourselves and expect the same in return, when you fall in love you want to be in sync with your partner, when you meet this person however, in that first ten seconds you already feel harmonized, it surprises you because you didn’t even know it was happening, you just instantly flow.. Maybe finding this person is finding love… but a different kind. Maybe its peace. You share the deepest care and tenderness and moments are shared. Being so deep into another person’s life isn’t something you can do alone, it takes two, when you let someone into your darkest corners, you’ll be let in, when you love, another will love and when your dreams are told, they become a shared thought. That is why we are scared to be the focal point, because you know what it is like to have a focal point and how much a person can mean to you, its scary being that person, committing and taking on such a responsibility. Connection; that is what we strive for, to be someones number 1, the reason they don’t want to leave, don’t want to stop talking and want to share all ambitions and perhaps even be a part of them. As your relationship grows you will too, change may occur and you may grow apart. Grasping on with white knuckles can’t save you. These people come in and out of our lives like angels, aiding when we need mending, spreading our wings when we are ready to fly. You can accept that you had something wonderful, that they helped you grow and shared with you all their dreams. You don’t have to let them go but we must recognize what we have or had. Not fear what we may lose by being “the reason.”
Oct 21, 2012
I wish I could read minds. Like others read mine. There are only a few minds I would truly be interested in listening to. I wouldn’t invade privacy. I would just want to hear your expressions flow flawlessly out of your mouth, like water in a swift moving stream, I want to know what colors look like to you and what scents intoxicate your thoughts. . I want to hear what failure feels like and why it seems to cause you so much pain and what cure would alleviate the despair on your face. I want to know how seamlessly your thoughts flow from one idea to the next and how you make me so curious with every action you make. I would want to hear the thoughts traveling through your body when your glance lasts a little longer, when you step a little closer and when that smirk triumphantly rolls across your face. I would want to listen to you as you learned my thoughts and watched my every movement. I would want you hear the soundtrack in your mind as you scroll through my thoughts nightly.
I want to know you. As you know me.
Oct 15th, 2012
writers block. this line keeps passing through my head “the grass is always greener, or do we just plant it that way?”
isn’t human nature funny?
Oct 5th, 2012
I love being surprised and reminded about how much people can care, how much attention they pay to you. whether its your eye color, voice or scent and they know it.
these are the people that we should make MORE time for.
Sept 28th, 2012
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Love is the power behind this blog. In fact I think love is the power behind every individual, every thought, every emotion. It is the kick start to a grand idea, an adventure, and a smile. It was the kick start to me sharing my thoughts here. I’m coming back to my roots, Love Is Patient; my first blog post. Caused by a heart break and now the same post is relevant 7 months later, after growth, change, lust, more heartbreak and finally to contentment.
Love was the tears of last winter, the laughter of my summer and the peace that I am finding myself in today. It’s the way I can speak without words and it is the creator used to spark the connection between people. It’s the explanation of why a jock can care for a hippie, a hippie can fall for a business woman, a business woman can slow down for her family and a family can push through tragedy.
I have acknowledged that love is powerful. It can break down the strongest man and build up the meekest child. It is quiet and peaceful and watches over us in the distance. It is always present, ever persistent and never proud. It comes in many forms. It can come as a classic romance of a navy seal and a romantic artist separated by summer training and reunited by painting together riverside. It can come as rough sex and weekly fighting yet is tender enough to keep two people together for half a decade. It can come as the choice a girl makes to go work with children overseas and to leave the love of her life behind. It can come as simply as a man and his brother going fly fishing for the weekend. It is something we all desire yet very few of us truly understand. But looking around we all have love. And we must all count our lucky stars every day. We may carry hate, distrust, and negativity but if we stop and breath and, look around we will see most of our emotions are built on love, past love and love in the making. We must all cherish this and appreciate one another for the presents or presence alone.
With every exhale we must try to rid ourselves of all complication. Remember that our hearts pump gallons of blood through our bodies daily and our hearts make us capable for what matters the most: LOVE. We need to stimulate our hearts with love. We start off small, we love our toys, grow to love our pets, grow more to love out first significant other and grow again to love our first house, and through all of this we love each other. Our hearts make us capable to cure tears, heal illness and create a smile. And with every inhale we must also take in love for ourselves. Receive the cure, let ourselves smile. We must remember that love is what matters the most. It is always present and on our darkest days it is watching over us, it has brought us to where we are now and will continue to carry us forward.
Appreciate love. Appreciate the love you send daily and more importantly make sure you appreciate the love that you receive, even if it isn’t always as apparent as you may have hoped.
“Love is a condition is which the happiness of another person is essential to your own”
Sept 25th, 2012
well its official. i booked my flights for my trip to southeast asia today. and it feels incredible. i know im going to miss some people and im scared to see all the changethat will happen but i know i will grow and love and experience some of the wildest adventures of my life. the mixed feelings will go away with time im hoping. wish me luck!
Sept 18th, 2012
I’m turning 20 tomorrow. Sept 19. Its blowing my mind. I always celebrate my birthday for like a week. No, not getting showered in gifts and attention for myself, its a week to reflect on how awesome my life has been. Buts what is weird about turning 20 is that its a birthday where something ends, not just begins. My teen years are over! I know thats not really a big deal but the part that is blowing my mind is when I think about the next 10 years I know SO MUCH will change. Look at the average person. Between ages 20 and 30 they will get married, buy a house, get a career, have kids etc. Its just weird to know that so many turning points are headed my way. I’m excited but nowhere near prepared! i could really expand on this thought but i need to get to bed! ask me if you want to know more! Well Happy Birthday to me, I can’t wait to see where I end up.
Ps. I’m working on a long blog post right now thats why I haven’t been posting!
Sept 2nd 2012
You are more.
Never let anyone tell you otherwise.
Never let anyone treat you otherwise.
There are 7 billion people in this world, most of them won’t give you a second glance. Some will and some won’t but those that do have recognized you for a reason. Let that reason be that your soul is bright, your smile its wide, your character is strong and your values are virtuous. May you act honorably, speak calmly and think clearly. You are worth more. If the people you surround yourself with do not recognize you for these reasons you should not surround yourself with them. If you fight, curse, regret or find yourself doubting your importance around these people you must find the strength to remove yourself from them. Find the strength to embrace the value your bring the world, walking around in the crowd of 7 billion there will be someone else out there that will hold you up when you are down, raise your spirits when they are dim and appreciate the flaws that you bring. Your worth should never be questioned. More importantly, you shall never question your own worth.
Umbutntu- it is an African term that means “I am, because you are. I live because you live”
Love yourself so I can love you, love others so others can love you. Let me light your darkness and overcome my darkness with your light. Together we can exist in harmonization.
Sept 1st 2012
Will you come over and cuddle me? Can you take your shirt off so our skin can touch, so I can feel your warmth against me? Can I run my fingertips over your spine as you wrap your arms around my body? Will you let me play with your hair and kiss your forehead as your breathing slows? I could tell you stories and you could make me giggle until I beg you to stop. You’ll stop only when I whisper sweet things into your ears that I would only ever say to you. Can I look into your beautifully colorful eyes until a smile creeps across your face? Will you hold me and tell me that you’ll be here with me and you’ll be silenced by the brush of my lips against yours…
August 31st 2012
beautiful words to good to be left unsaid.
"Everyone loves the moon. People complain about how hot, or how cold. How windy. How humid. but no one complains when the moon is out. Strive to be more like the moon."
many nights this summer were spent awake will 3 in the morning talking by moon light. everyone loves the moon.
August 28th, 2012
I had a refreshing conversation with a friend the other night. No tensions, no expectations, just simply talking. Just conversation. We covered all kinds of topics but we mainly talked about anxiety and negative behavior and how contagious they both are. How we can let our ambiguous anxiety take over our lives when we just sit and fear things that are often out of our control. We talked about how when friends get into dark places it can drag you down with them, how negative actions have a larger shock wave than positive ones. It seems we all rush to be each others cure in times of sadness and anger versus sharing each others positive vibes and spreading happiness among the crowds. We always want to fix people, I know I do at least but why not just realise what makes them happy and share it with them. Even if you don’t necessarily like it yourself. I thought about that for a while and started reading some old blog spots and realised all I have been doing is complaining and asking for help when really I could be trying to make someones day. Thats all I want in life so why not do it here as well. This being said I made a decision that my next few post will only be positive and I will try to make every situation have some light. Even if its just taking one persons mind off of their stress and wiping a smile across their face.
i posted a song by Ray LaMontagne. to me it describes the ultimate way to be close with someone. to be a friend, a shoulder and show that kind of love and care.
August 25th, 2012
I love, I have loved, and I will love. The heart is what fuels my body, not the logic of my brain. I feel every syllable and recognize significance behind every glance. I realise that sometimes that our deepest desires are not always met with grace, and the loss is painful but in return you get what is essential. You meet a thousand people in your life time and none of them can touch you, but then you meet one person and your life is changed forever. You don’t realise it when it has happened but then when you look back you see that change, for better or for worse.
August 21st, 2012
read May 27th… that one was for you j
August 20th, 2012
I’m finally home from a summer of travel and adventure. It is weird because I woke up this morning feeling anxious and alone in my own bed. I am going over all the things that made me smile this summer and how some slipped from my grasp as I held on with all my might, they still make me smile but without them I feel as if something is out of place. The other day I was expressing how happy I was that I felt like I had two feet permanently back on the ground and I was excited for what is next.. I am also looking back at the things that gave me comfort all summer and now that they have slipped away, I’m wondering why I feel so confused without them. I have new things to grasp and hold and things that need more focus on [like school, and traveling to Asia] but they do not provide that same smile that came with such easy this summer as I floated through the breeze and hand other people and things to hold me down. Either way I now have to be the one to hold myself together now and it frightens me. These thoughts all day lead me to sitting here tonight and now I’m not sure that I want to go to school again this fall. I am only taking one term then traveling to Asia for 6 months and I don’t know if it makes much sense to just take one term if im not %100 in like i want to be. I feel like nothing is holding me here anymore and to be honest I don’t like it. I want that structure I felt I was starting to get this summer. that going to school full time and no expiry date on relationships. or i want to be in travel mode %100. I know I wont back out of travel I just don’t know if I will be able to balance everything until I leave. I don’t know what I want to give up. Looks like its decision time again. Do I take one more year off school travel and gain other forms of education OR do I take a term with the structure I crave, buckle down and get the marks that will lead me to a future I have always dreamed of in medicine (hopefully.. that will be hard) and then head to Asia and come home to be a student.
Once again my mind is spinning. I want to focus on school and have some structure, however I don’t know that traveling to Asia will really help with buckling down. I am so happy with my life right now. Why is this so complicated! I cant wait to travel but i cant wait to learn!
I need guidence!
August 13th, 2012
I want to talk to you guys about a friend of mine. We will call him Jon for privacy sake. Our relationship started out as something flirtations and we started seeing each other right away. Since then we have moved backward in our relationship and are in a friend limbo, which’ if we are being honest, I don’t love. Because I still see glimpses from him now and again of how he felt or feels. I know we have moved backward in part because I am leaving on a trip for 6 months in January and the other is that he thinks he has hurt or is going to hurt me. To be honest with you the only part that has come close to ‘hurting’ is knowing that he thinks he is capable of hurting me or has. He hasn’t. Jon has actually helped me get through an incredibly hard summer and still to this day gives me butterflies every time I see him. Its an attraction I can’t explain and to me that is the most genuine kind. We are not alike, but I remember the day I fell in love with his colorful eyes, I remember when I felt comfortable enough to tease and to play, calling him Kramer and I remember being able to actually fall asleep with his arms around me. All of which I know make me sound like I have a school girl obsession when really I truly appreciate everything he has done for me and still does. Taking me for long walks and letting me talk, and making me laugh, making me feel cute and comforted. He gave me strength to get out of many situations and though he struggles to show it, takes good care of me. I understand where he is coming from when he doesn’t want to start something before I leave because I know saying goodbye to him at the airport would be the most horribly painful things I would ever have to do as well, however saying that something isn’t started now for me is a lie and whatever I have with him, mind you its a just friends kind of thing, I will not be able to give up. Something has already started. He will never admit to me what he is thinking when I ask about his thoughts about us now and I will have to handle that. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t mind more walks, cuddles, and maybe one or two more sleepovers.
August 10th, 2012
i want in your head, your thoughts, your mind. i want your happiness to be shared with me, i want your trust and loyalty. i want what i can’t have. and its more frustrating than ever.
my thoughts are so scatter brained. i used to love the thought of the unknown, now it scares me a bit. fear plays a very important roll in our lives but you must keep everything in perspective. will you remember today a year from now?
August 6th, 2012
Over the past 4 days I have been sailing beautiful open waters with my family, this has created plenty of time for my mind to wander through an assortment of wonderlands. I have laughed, rejoiced and embraced the solitude of our sailboat. Throughout my fairytale like dreams I have also been daydreaming of my needs and wants. Need are simple to figure out; a roof, some food, and clean water. All the essentials I have on my boat. However, wants are far more complex and I can’t figure out how to attach detail to any of these thoughts. Each want in our lives is as unique as every one of our individual thoughts. I know what I want more than anything is to be loved. To have someone purely adore me through all my catastrophes and embrace me through all my wild liveliness. I crave feeling loyalty and passion with another, and to touch and feel their skin and heart beat. I know I want an education, I want to better myself in every way that is provided to me and I want to fill all the potential I know I have. More than ANYTHING I know what I want and strive for is to make others happy. I want to make an impact and I would love to be someones whole world, even if it is just one person. The power of one is incredible. My basic desires are as simple as yours, love me, hold me, support me and teach me, so I can love, and support and teach you. Within each one of these vague thoughts runs a common theme; kindness. The vagueness of each of these thoughts has made the list of unwanted desires quite detailed. Knowing that love and compassion are what my soul strives for leads me to know I want to rid my mind and body of hatred. The energy that it takes to produce such an emotion is tiresome and beats down on my body. It affects me just as much as it affects the one who ‘causes’ it. Because this is an unwanted feeling I have decided I WANT forgiveness. To all those who have wronged me, whether they know it or not. And forgiveness to myself for letting actions of another affect me so strongly for so long. I cannot make others love me the way I want to be loved, but I can live my life in a way that will always spread love, teach kindness and embrace passion. I will care for you no matter who you are. I aspire to be like that sun. My warmth and kindness at the core and with every ray I send out will widen smiles across the faces of my loved ones, past loved ones and those I have not yet loved.
“You can’t force someone to change their mind, but you can show them and you can change their heart.”
July 24th, 2012
I feel like I need to be inspired. Or maybe I have and I need a push. I have all kind of creative thoughts flowing gracefully through my head and I just can’t seem to put them in action. I can’t pick one idea and make it my project. It seems with every idea I get I somehow find an excuse to not go through with it. “I can’t do that… I still live at home” “ I don’t have enough time for that tonight” suddenly this fear of moving on with things has overcome me. It is a bittersweet feeling to be honest; I do not remember the last time I have been so simply satisfied with my life, I feel for the first time my I’m standing with two feet firmly on the ground and I’m doing it alone. I have also decided to start training harder with climbing as well and set some new goals for myself. I’m not sure where this sudden surge of ambition has come from but I am trying to embrace it even though all of these new tasks seem to all take little leaps of faith. Why I’m feeling this way I have no idea. I feel incredibly free but am still looking for some guidance. I’m truly looking into the unknown, and the best part is that I am ready to start moving. I don’t know what or who has helped me spread my wings but I feel blessed to be able to feel so free. It is horrifyingly wonderful.
July 9th, 2012
Be right here in this moment.
Be your breath
All you need is right here
We are humbled by the earth
And noble from the stars
July 4th, 2012
I got called selfish tonight, and it really hurt my feelings. It got brought up in a incredibly trivial argument. Someone asked the question what do you think about garages? Which in and of itself is a bit silly, but I answered in a way I didn’t think was horrible. I said I didn’t know how I felt about them. Before I could say another word an explosion of words came flooding out of my friends’ mouth. He said that my answer implied exactly how I felt. I said that the reason I wasn’t sure was because garages kind of promote the suburbs, and I don’t really like the suburbs, which is where I live. He took this as a selfish comment and that I did not appreciate ANYTHING and that I was complaining about first world problems. And in a way I see what me means but thats not how I meant for my comment to sound. I simply meant that I don’t like the suburbs because it means we end up having families with 4 cars and huge yards that need water daily and all sorts of excess and driving and box stores vs local markets. It means we can’t all commute on bikes and that I get tired from riding my bike the extra few kilometers each day. Not once did I say or mean that I was thankful for the life I am living and that I don’t appreciate every single thing I have. I really do. I love my live and I know that I am blessed. But now I am questioning everything I do. I try to live my life selflessly and always care about others. And I don’t like that fact that I live in the suburbs which Is a huge factor in gas emissions and the excess and over consumption in this world. We created the sorrow in the world and I thought I was living in a way that maybe someday I could better it. But now I’m questioning if I have really been living selfless at all or if I really am being selfish and taking everything for granted? I count my blessings daily, I don’t put me first in most situations and my feelings really got hurt by this. I don’t want to question everything I am.
Selfish: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarilywith one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardlessof others.
having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard tofame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.
July 3, 2012
i am filling my life with positive vibes. thank you for waiting as a moped, cried and crawled in sadness. It is really a simple task to see the light and embrace it. We just need to get up and look around at this beautiful planet filled with even more beautiful souls. These beautiful souls, whether they know it or not are guides, taking us to the shimmer and shine of the happy warm embrace of the light in our lives. What ever that light may be.
Life is simple, its is good.
Its time to start doing alllll the things i wanted to do.
June 21st, 2012
What is the purpose to life? Or do we even have one? What are we doing here on this planet and what is the point of our life? Is it success? If that is the case, what is success? Is it money or status or happiness? Our western culture has put a label on “success.” The label is being the alpha male, with the biggest house, hottest spouse, best body and the most money. Everyone puts such a high price on this vision of success that we are taught t our whole lives. We go to school, and prep for social interactions in high school. In high school we are told that university has to be the next step and we get our first jobs to teach work ethic, and then our parents wants us to go straight into university and graduate in 4 years. After that we use our degrees and get a good paying job. We get married. Have kids. And the cycle begins. The most awful part of it all is that as soon as we step off the path of ‘purpose’ we are looked at as an outcast. I myself feel as if I have wandered far from the path and I see all the judgement I receive for not going to school right away and choosing to live freely and experience and get different forms of education before I buckle down with the books. I choose to live in the woods for months at a time because I feel I can breathe and learn there. I choose to work so I can have money to travel and volunteer, and I have no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life and for that I am frowned upon. Let’s even look at this on a small scale. We are all told that we must be fit and how we must look. Boys must be muscley and large; they must be tough and proud. Girls must be skinny and toned and proper, where tight cloths always dressed to the nines. And as soon as a boy is lean and toned, quiet or artistic, and a girl is curvy or muscley, grungy or outrageous, it’s like the whole world comes crashing down and they aren’t good enough, when in reality a natural lean body is the most attractive thing, creativity is true beauty and character is measured by the words we speak not the labels we wear. So if you veer off this path like I have maybe you think your purpose is something else. Maybe it is helping the world? If so from what do we save it from? Other people? Maybe you think it is making a family? Or leading a life full of grand adventures? Maybe you think there is not purpose to life at all? We are all just animals, we are born, we live, and we die. And that’s it. Someone once told me that was a really depressing thought but I’m not so sure it is. I think it is the simplest thought. Putting a purpose on life ads strain and worry and all kinds on unnecessary negative energies. What happens if we never meet the ideal life we plan out for ourselves? I think happiness is the purpose for my life. Maybe it is not for your life. But I know it is for me. I know that I can try to plan happiness but I’m the most happy when I don’t plan anything at all. Living life day to day yet still moving forward, and keeping the purpose in sight. Happiness comes from making others happy, but we must also make sure we are happy. It comes from the sun coming out from behind a cloud, the breath coming out of our lungs and simply living.
June 18th, 2012
Which do you prefer? Your past, present or your future? Can we really enjoy one without the others? I know the ideal answer is that we live in the present, isn’t it the gift? But can we live in the present without the knowledge of what makes us happy from the past? And how do we do our daily practices moving forward without thinking of our futures. I have had a emotional 3 months mulling over my past, yet still making positive changes for my future. However I never really felt like I was moving on, in the last few weeks I had the opportunity for a new of future but I was scared to take the chance and release myself from my past. What is even stranger is that when I was finally ready, not to move forward but to just enjoy today, a past of another caught up to them and eliminated the next steps forward for me, or at least the steps I was looking forward to taking. The more and more I think about it, it seems that the more we try to control what happens in the past or future, the less control we have. It’s like the spirits are watching us and trying to keep us humble, they want to bring us back to the basics. What makes us happy today? Is it you? Is it him? Is it a place? Are we willing to fight for what makes us happy when we find it? What are our wants and needs really? When we lose sight of what is simple and good we are always humbled, the grand idea of what we think we can change in our lives, the past present or future gets taken away and we are forced to live right now, in this very moment. We miss our past, I miss parts of mine every day. We fear our future, but we also thrive for adventure. We are forced to learn acceptance
June 4th, 2012
I’m starting to see that our lives and relationships roll like waves crashing over the shorelines of our lives. The waves we ride on a day to day basis are quite similar to those of our relationships with self and others. We have the first wave that comes soaring through the surf, the strongest wave that knocks us off our feet, it’s something new and we have never seen it before. It’s a wave we will never ever forget and sometimes we don’t want to. With this wave we must remember how to not to be defeated again and use the growth it has brought to our souls. The second wave can also knock us off our feet if we are not prepared, it is equally as strong but for this wave we are stronger. We put our guards up and use our minds to the best of our ability trying to make the right choices as how to make it through. This wave can be hard to let go of because its taking our mind off the first and distracts us of the fear of the future. The next wave that comes is a wondrous wave. It carries all kinds of life within it and will help change our lives… hopefully for the better. When these waves pick us up we are tossed and turned and we allow ourselves to experience the unknown. We don’t know where we are going but we like where we are. Between all these waves we have the smaller waves, the comfort waves, the ones that will always be in our lives and keep us grounded and provided peacefulness. These waves can also be negative because these waves are continuous and are potentially restricting. These waves can build with each other and build with others. They can grow large without allowing us to grow until a tsunami is formed and we lose everything. And life is no longer in our control. When we are finally washed up on shore we must not forget a single wave. We must used each and everyone and decide if we are going to enter the ocean again. It may take us a few tries to get in deep and out past the surf to happiness but we learn we grow we live and we survive. If we walk away the ocean will still be there, waves will always be crashing down no matter how far away we get. We need to push forward, breath and continue on the quest to delight, life is not easily walked away from, where ever the ocean takes us we must accept. With every wave we must use our strength and stand up on our boards. Fight to keep standing and ride it out.
May 27th, 2012
The only thing that was pulling my attention toward the current moment was the heat coming from the fire. I was trying to let my mind go and enjoy what was happening the very second I was living it. And to be honest I couldn’t have loved the moment i was in more, however with all the things that a going on outside of my body and all throughout my day, its a nearly impossible task for me; TURN OFF. Its more than just a switch. ‘FOCUS on your breathing’ yet I can still hear my thoughts and what ifs.. Just let life move forward and let me stand still, be the observer and simply give a smile. Letting it move forward so I can sit and truly enjoy the beautiful life I am living. Life is so GOOD.
May 20th, 2012
I spent the weekend with my best friends the trees. We were connected and I can’t explain why. Every time I go deep into their world and farther away from ours, a feeling overwhelms my soul. Its weird how when I’m out in the woods every thought I have in the city disappears, all my anxieties blow away with the fallen leaves and new thoughts crash through my brain like the waves hitting the shoreline. The uplifting sensation pulses through my body like tremors and my life is so simply satisfied. The cold doesn’t bring me down, nor does the dirt under my nails or the floor that I sleep on. It makes me wonder why we ever moved our society away from such a glorious place, and even more than that it makes me wonder when I’ll be going back to stay.
May 08th, 2012
I know I said I wasn’t going to give up on this but maybe I should. Maybe it is selfish not to. If I truly care about this maybe just letting it being and giving the space and time to heal a chance is the best answer. It’s not quite what I WANT but maybe what you need, I will just try to be happy for whatever outcome, as hard as it will be. I’ve been saying this to myself the whole time but I really must now, for you not for me. Give up isn’t the right term, putting on the back burner. Or maybe even accepting the change. Positive or negative change. There are no rainbows without rain.
May 5th, 2012
its been 2 months… why do i still miss you everyday? i just want those promised forehead kisses and your company and your thoughts.
May 4th, 2012
YES! i have been working so hard aand i am finally so close to knocking number 1 off my bucket list! hold a handstand for 30 seconds! my goal for the rest of summer is to complete numbers:
7. Send a 5.12d or 5.13 (climbing goal)
22.Solo camp/ hike for at least 2 nights
31.Complete a bridge kick over…. im close with this i can to the bridge and kick half way over with out falling!
33. land a jump on my slack line
43. donate blood…. before i go to asia!
46. learn 25 different kinds of knots
April 28, 2012
Today I closed my eyes and saw the stars. In final relaxation after a remarkable yoga class I was taken for a ride. The whole universe was radiating before me. The colors were vivid and ever changing and the stars were the brightest I had ever seen them. My mind was taking me on some kind of wild trip and wanted me to see these sights, it was astonishing. After riding around the planets I was put in the forest floor, near a beach at night. The waves were crashing in and every time they pulled away from the beach they tried taking the pebbles with them, creating the glorious music of the crackling stones. The twinkle of the stars dwindled and the Aurora Borealis started dancing like mad! I watched the dance for what seemed like an hour and when my gaze finally dropped I was surrounded by my loved ones. No one spoke, but we felt like one, all made from the same part in the universe, all a product of the same material, all feeling and living the same energies. We are ONE.
April 25, 2012
My brother and I were talking about religion the other day. Neither one of us can say that we are religious by any means but I wanted discover his thoughts on the topic. I started by asking “what would you rather disprove, religion or evolution?” without thinking he said “Well religion. Science is a fact.” I thought about the question a bit longer and said I think I would rather disprove evolution. Now to be clear I think all of those over religious people could maybe tone it down… A LOT, but I look at my one friend Lauren who has recently found Faith and I decided I wouldn’t want to take that away from her, EVER. I think losing your faith would be far more painful than seeing a fact change. The comfort and security she gets from her faith is beautiful, in fact I would compare it to the same feeling that I get when I camp, hike and breath in air in the lonely forests. If I had that taken away from me I don’t know what I would do. Its the feeling of connection I get and I know I belong. I can only assume that is what others feel with their faith. Ethan (my brother) and I continued speaking and he stuck to his guns, and in many case for discussions sake he played the devils advocate. We concluded the conversation on this: there is a scientist that tracks sea turtles and he noticed that every time he and his team went to the ocean (their office) to work, they all felt a stronger connection to “faith” or maybe it was just a connection to something we are lacking in our lives. He decided that his next experiment would be studying the brain with psychologists and watching the chemical reactions that happen in our bodies as we start leaving the city and get further into nature. His thoughts are that as he get farther from our houses we get closer to home. NATURE where we belong. We made churches to feel stability when really all we needed to do was go for a walk. We are all children of this earth. Maybe there would be more peace if we all embraced the earth baby within.
April 14, 2012
Today in my yoga practice my instructor gave us a reading from the book The Secret. She spoke about living our lives in a way that we are able to pay gratitude for EVERY detail. The reading noted the fact that we live day to day and forget the littlest details. It is easy to say I pay gratitude to my family and friends, but we really need to ask ourselves why. And not just our family as a whole but what part each individual plays in our lives. The reading suggested that until we can really appreciate the value of socks for example and the simplest things, that we should write down 100 things that we pay gratitude toward every day. As the practice went on and I put more and more thought into this I realized how large the number 100 is and the even reach 50 is an impressive achievement, I’m am still attempting to complete my list. And will be posting it soon.
April 12, 2012
i have been thinking about tattoos, and i am playing with the idea that i am an earth baby. its very fitting
THE ELEMENT EARTH: (TAURUS, April 20-May 20, VIRGO, August 23-September 22, CAPRICORN December 22-January 19)
Talk about rocks. The most stable, consistent and sometimes rigid of all the signs. Once they make up their minds, like mountains they cannot be moved without huge efforts. Practical, patient, reasonable, and persistent are these signs. If you want to make sure a project gets done and gets done “right” call, on an earth person. They will stick with it until the bitter end. Not much one for spontaneity or flexibility. (We have to leave that up to the air signs) Not as sensitive as the water signs, the earth signs are still aware of the needs and often want to serve others. These people are not much one for the limelight. If it can be done, an earth sign will do it without the need for recognition.
Often so rigid, they become stuck with old routines to the point of impracticality. Fear of starting something new, earth signs can be very cautious to the point of missing a great opportunity. Conventional to a point of boredom.
The fast moving, changeable air signs fascinate Earth signs though they are un-trusting of their unworkable schemes. If you see an adult asking why repeatedly, you can pretty much be assured you are in the company of an earth sign. Fire signs are too forceful for their slower thorough nature. Sharing with the water signs the characteristics of retentiveness, self-protectiveness, and acquisitiveness. Water signs will sooth and comfort the worry element so often found in the earth people. With this support and encouragement, earth signs can work and work and work.
April 11, 2012
Love and hate are intense words. And somehow we can use then interchangeably. ‘I love you’ and ‘I hate you’ can come from the same passions within our hearts. I HATE being changed to the words ‘could be’ and ‘someday’. But at the very same time I LOVE hearing those words more than anything. So here I am sitting waiting wishing…..
April 10, 2012
taking a breath, closing my eyes, putting everything into perspective. life is so much more than what we see in front of us. its what our hearts see.
April 1, 2012
Today I choose peacefulness. A sense of calm overcomes me with every raindrop that hits the soil. I want to embrace these water droplets as they hit the window pain and the grey skies that momentarily darken our world. THIS MOMENT is beautiful, for tomorrow the sun will shine and smiles will creep across all of our faces. Energy will pour out of our souls and we will want to be active. But today I choose peacefulness and I feel calm. In a sense each rain drop washes away some negative energy and I gain happiness.
March 29, 2012
Have you ever wanted something so bad and not been able to get it? Wanting it so bad and knowing you are a foot away from the finish line? How we react is a measure of character. Life is 10% of what happens and 90% how we react. How hard are we willing to push to get there? And how will we react if we don’t? Sometimes we even lose control of those feelings and then realize how much that thing can really mean to us. Maybe we didn’t even know before but our bodies require it, desire it, CRAVE it but in our heads we didn’t know how much. No materialistic thing can measure to the happiness that the companionship of another person can bring. But what is it that makes the CRAVE come for some people but not others? How do we know our desires aren’t just obsessions? And what makes that companionship a requirement? The magnetism between two people is an impressive force. It draws us to one another and can push away equally as hard.
March 28, 2012
Today the sun was shining. It was a good day. Today I’m finally feeling free. Free of all the pressure and stress, tears and negative energy that have been pushed upon me in the last month. I have embraced some of the new changes in my life and I’m excited for the new chapter. I think some of my old ‘habits’ will come back in the near future but with these new changes has come grow. I have a new outlook for my relationships with my life, my relationships with others and my relationships with the world around me. I am freed.
March 23 2012
Today Dorman (a favorite yoga instructor of mine) came into the climbing gym while I was working. It is always a pleasure seeing him; he always has something positive to say. After a brief chat he went into the change rooms to change and upon his return inquired about the ‘Lock it up!’ signs in our change rooms. “I don’t reeaally need to worry about that do I? I mean is it really a problem?” “No, I have never had anything taken before” and then without knowing Dorman gave his piece of advice “I didn’t think so. Plus I don’t really give out those vibes anyways; we all get exactly what we send out right?”
March 18 2012
I need to be freed from the grasp of this heartbreak. I seems no matter the relationship I have with you, I will compare you to him. His voice, appearance, mannerisms, scent, the way he spoke, the way he lived his life and his ideals. More importantly I will compare how he made me feel with how you do… I have been tossed around and flipped upside down. Not that I NEED a relationship but now I crave that high I got when I was with him. Like a drug. I was more than happy with him. The one thing I could never say was how I truly felt. And now he never will. I will never bite my tongue again. I can’t explain how I acted or the things I said. It was never in my control. I know what I want; HIS LOVE. He seems to be the confused one and its giving me whip-lash. I’m still hold my breath for him, even when I’m out with another. I need to be freed! I didn’t mean to fall in love. But do we ever?
March 16th 2012
People need to chill. stop trying to get more and more and more. Thats how we got in this mess in the first place. Like seriously what am I doing with my own life even? Why do I work so much? Why can’t we all just be at peace with our own lives? Life is so amazing? Just think about how beautiful a single breath can be when you just take the time to enjoy it? I need to be humbled. I need to see how small I am and I need to see the big picture. What is this life? Why am I really here? Why do I know you? Why do I love him? I am only here because you are here? We are all one, so lets stop trying to be the best, work the hardest and lets be content with each other and the lives we lead
March 15th 2012
lost. wondering, or am i the one standing still? where am i headed or am i heading anywhere? what am i working towards. what inspires me? im trying to get a clear head. The path I have chose is nature and peace, and I keep walking further and further. Nature has always been my biggest inspiration but where will this get me? I feel disconnected to the world around me more than ever. I only feel at peace in the forest with the animals and my thoughts. There, I am calm. There, I am connected. Everything is real. But why is it that right now in my life I feel this disconnect with the world I have grown up in. My conclusions are simple. Once again I am finding myself alone on this path, with no one pushing me, that relates one hundred percent. I am without a guide, the only one that can make me step forward is myself.Have I changed my mind? Do I want to continue? Yes. Yes I think I do.